By The Urban Athlete

 

The first place I saw this bizarre phenomenon was on Paris Hilton. A seemingly healthy (enough) woman posing as a woman with a birth defect. More commonly known as "Pigeon Toe", she twists one of her feet in while posing for publicity shots. Why? Well in her situation I can see it's merits. It's the only way I can see a person with horse features looking demure. But what about all these normal women impersonating a cripple? This is sweeping the globe.

 
It's not limited the female population either. The EMO male has a fair bit to answer for too! Not too long ago, if you saw a bunch of single, young, guys all out at a bar, not too long later & you would see a few smiling girls buzzing around having a chat or at least squeezing a free drink out of them. This is over.

You now have your early 20's male bending down in a scoliosis pose. Crying to his mates that he caught a virus when he downloaded the new track " Hey dude, where did you find a size xxs cardigan in a man's style during Summer."

Not a female to be found near these scrawny water downing boys, that look homeless & depressed. They all huddle together so that the breeze from the 20 year old females yelling & shrieking & kissing each other from across the room, doesn't knock down their lettuce leaf munching physiques.

 

But wait, I saw one buff looking male, walking along without a bent neck or spine. Oh wait, ..No, on the back of this tough looking dude's tracksuit, was New wave style stars in fluro colours. Hmmn. I really think someone should have alerted the kids that the first time new wave trackies were fashionable, they were strictly for teenagers only... on roller-skates in the park, not something you wear out a night.

 

One good thing comes out of this peculiar behavior. Without the 20 somethings drinking, something with some kilojoules & mingling with the opposite sex, there will be a decline in population. That's got to help this nation's carbon foot print.

"Channel Nine has dumped Carlton's Brendan Fevola from this week's Footy Show because of his behaviour at the Brownlow Medal ceremony.

Fevola reportedly had too much to drink at the event in Melbourne on Monday night.

Channel Nine says Fevola's behaviour was unacceptable, and he will not feature on the show's grand final edition."

LINK



He's at it again. Drunk as a skunk and making a tool of himself. I swear he's flirting with alcholism....But I dont care. Keep it up Fev we're all entertained. Plus he's not totally retarded, he managed to get Rebbecca Twiggly to help him up. I mean there is no way he didn't 'go the grope!!!' I'm giving the big unit a shout out for coping a feel!!

Fev next time accidentally pull her dress off a bit would you. We all deserve to see that!

By Max

OK. Let get this out there from the beginnning. I have done next to no exercise for the last 6 months, and have gotten a little pudgy around the middle.  OK OK you got me I'm pudgy every where..... (Except no mateter how fat you get it seems your johnson doesn't get fatter. What a pity.) I'm 180cm and weigh 102kg's. I'm big.

So when a mate of mine suggested we go down to the local fight GYM for a session of Muay Thai, I naturally Imagined myself kicking arses and taking names, what really happened was not quite so glorius.

To set this up, I better explain how my afternoon went to start with.
I left for home at 5pm planning to start the Muay Thai session at 7.30pm. So I get half way home and my motorbike starts making a weird noise...kinda like it was about to run out of fuel, I however knew this wasn't the case as judging by my trip metre I had at least 50km's left in the tank. I pull off the highway anyway and decide to take a back street home, just in case it konked out......3 blocks later it dies. FUCK FUCKING FUCKER! So next, I check the fuel tank and sure enough its empty. Mother Fucker! I walk to the nearest shops (about a km away) and call the missus to come and rescue me then I walk back to the bike(another KM). Once at my bike I realize that There is no-where for the missus to pull over. Just 2 lanes of traffic and no shoulder to park on. So I decide to push the bike to the nearest service station, which was near the aforementioned shops (that's right, you guessed it, another kilometre away) So I pushed the heavy mother fucker all the way and await my lady.

 While I am sitting there is occurs to me that it is now 6pm and I am going to have a hard time eating and then getting to Muay Thai on time. Then It occurs to me that I had eaten nothing all day. No wonder all that walking and pushing was killing me.

My lady arrives and gets me some fuel and I ride home.It's 6.30 and I'm 30 mins away from the GYM. Just enough time to slam down a chocalate YOGO! That oughta keep me going.

So I finally make it to the GYM at 7;15pm and the first thing I see is a guy with a busted face- (a big puffy, might be infected, black eye) walking out. I start to re-think this whole martial arts thing. But  Im here now and decide to get going. The instructor hands me a skipping rope with the simple instructions "skip". So I start skipping after about 15 mins of this dam skipping I am knackered and I haven't even hit anyone yet. A little timer goes off  and I he say "ok, squats" I look around and yep, we are all doing squats I starting to think I have been stitched up. Then after what seemed like 4 hours of  squatting (probably 5 mins) he says "push ups and sits ups ..GO" Now I am totally fucked. But inspired by the pictures of Danny Green and many other finely tuned fighters that adorned the walls I push on. The Timer thing goes off again and, you know what I am thinking? "FUCKING FINALLY, I get to kick or hit something" WRONG WONG FUCKING WRONG....MORE FUCKING SKIPPING! AHHHH!

When the skipping finally finished we grab some pads and prepare to start kicking and hitting each other. I make it through a few rounds of "left, right,.. Kick" and feel the sudden urge to get a drink of water.The thing was I was so absolutely shattered from all the fucking skipping I couldn't think straight.After staggering around in a daze for a minute  I finally realize that the dunny is my best option. I take 3 steps  in that direction and realize I am going to fucking chunder.

 I bust into the toilet and hurl.Then my legs give out and i find myself hurling while sitting next to the dunny. Tears streaming down my face from the sweat stinging my eyes and the effort of hurling. Of course I only had chocolate Yogo in my stomach so there wasn't much to hurl, which made it that much worse. After like 10 mins I go back in to the gym for another go. I do a few kick and fall over because my fucking calf muscle cramped up. I push on through it for another few minutes cramping on every other kick.

Finally its my turn to stop kicking and  I get to hold the pad and stop all this kicking bullshit. Time for some rest....Nuh uh. *Bang*- kick to my "belly ring" (a big pad to protect your stomach) ...'Oh god Im fuking winded.' Then I move my arms (which were like lead by this time) to block a kick, but I wasn't positioned properly and my own hand bounced up and smacked me in my sweaty fat face...OWCH! Not going well.

We finally finish all the kicking and punching and I feel like I have my second wind and should be able to ride home without to much trouble..... Then that sadistic fuck of a trainer tells us to get on our backs and do ....fuck I don't know what its called, but it was a fucked up abdominal exercise...the last thing I needed after all that spewing and shit.

Finally the session is over and Its time to go home. I try and slide my foot into my slip on shoe, but my fucking leg cramps up more. FUUUUCKKK. After like 2 mins of fucking around I finally manage to get my shoes on and I am on my way home.

After the 30 minute ride through the freezing night I make it home only to find my missus waiting for me with mop in hand..."you said you were going to mop...I have guest tomorrow... now get to it."... I would have kicked the bitch, but my legs wouldn't move, So I mopped the floor as promised.


So I would have to say my final evaluation is that, I FUCKING ROCK at this Muay Thia shit! Can't wait for next week.

Serena Williams was fined $US10,500 ($12,000) for her outburst at a line judge that ended her semi-final and the incident is being investigated by the Grand Slam Committee

LINK



Ok everyone is freaking out. But I know why this happened. She is Juicing. She's on ROIDS. Look at her physique. I'm willing to bet most men would love to have guns like that! Lets add this up

1.) Aggoutbursts -
2.) Built like a fucking tank. -
3.) Deep voice.....

OMFG either she is juicing, or she's a fucking dude. Based on the fact she has those massive knockers (that I bet we'd all love to motorboat...it would be fucking terrifying but exhilarating) no-one questions that she is a female. So it must be the first option.

 I don't know if I care or not. But for the safety of the lines people. Serena ....Lay off the Juice!


Since I have unraveled the mystery there is only one thing left to ask.... would you hit that?

Sofa King Awesome is doing a " SAS" Fitness training regimen.  (Minus the whole having a gun thing.)

Ok ladies and gents, This is no Fa king joke. The "SAS training guide" is a killer. Our good friend Sofa King is taking the challenge, and hoping to win one for all of us 'Average Joe's' of the world.

First a little background. Sofaking is an I.T nerd, he loves his sport, but his daily bread comes from sitting on his skinny arse. I asked him his stats and here is what we are working with: Weight:70kgs  Height: 182cm Dangle: 9inchs.
So in other words he is 6 feet of sinew and bone.

 To prepare for this massive undertaking he used a tried and true method of training ,  that was: Get drunk for almost 2 weeks straight in Queensland. Litres of Wild Turkey being the weapon of choice.
 
Now he has completed the warm-up, it's onto the real workout. We are at Day 4 and everything has been relatively gentle so far.

We have only 1 report of a possible injury, and that is a sore elbow from doing body-weight "dips". We'll monitor this as it progresses.

Remember Sofa King "Pain is just weakness leaving the body".


Here are his thoughts after 3.5 days:


"Ok.
So far Sofa King good. I have completed the first 3.5 days and other than a few niggles I am going well. The program appears to be very well designed allowing you to recover. I am finding my weak areas so I will be working hard on them, but it gives me a platform to see my progress.

 I am finding the exercise’s ok, with the real test being mental toughness. I just have to keep telling myself to keep going, the pain you are feeling is false. If I can keep this up I will be good. I think after 3 – 4 weeks I will be in a rhythm and will find starting exercising easier, the only thing that will add challenge is the increase in intensity. However that said it is definitely achievable. I challenge everyone to give it a shot!"

 "The next three days I will be completing:"

 Here folks, is a peek of what is required for the next 2 weeks to be completed successfully..

* Body Weight Circut is below

Good Luck Mate, I'm glad I'm not the one doing it.

By The Urban Athlete

Last night I saw news coverage of Snowboarding. My gosh these freaks are right down the bottom of the food chain. In evolution terms these ferals are somewhere in the amphibious region. They interviewed a couple of these Freaks. One sort of barked like a dog & had blood on his head. He seemed pretty excited about something. I think he was a New Zealander. As for what he was talking about? Sorry, I couldn't work it out.

  I knew this greasy & frost bitten bunch, were on the feral side, somewhere between surfers & skateboard dudes. Somewhere in the: "sort of a sport, sort of not " realm, but OMG!... not humans! They even gave these greasers the weather condition report. It contained the vital information that it in fact had been snowing, but it will melt later in the day. NO SHIT!!! Who knew that snow melts? Now if these dudes can turn on the TV, but don't know that snow melts, yet can fly through the sky like a (damn ugly) bird, they might be on to something?  

As an ex-surfer I have always had a slight interest in extreme sports. We all know, you have to be slightly crazy to take on mother nature, but we all secretly want to "ave a go". Extreme sports are not really good viewing on TV though. You can't critique performance in the same way, the stats are boring & it's not really man against man. Surfing is one example where I think it is impossible to judge athletes on their abilities. In competition, you get your allotted time. You're out there, you show them what you can do. But sometimes you just get crap waves or no waves & the dude after you just gets lucky and gets a good few waves even though he's a complete kook.( Luckily you can hit him later.) Points are given by the judges, for technical difficulty etc, much like figure skating, but it all depends on the judge's opinions as opposed to actual goals that we can all see.  

Kite surfing has taken off in a huge way. It makes sense. We have plenty of wind here on the West Coast, but our waves suck and are getting suckier. No snow, to be seen at all. The only dowside I can see is the sheer amount of shit you need to do the bloody kite thing. Take a drive along the river & look at these dudes piling shit, after piece of shit onto the lawn. I don't know about you, but if something takes me 45mins to set it up, I'm over it. Do you get to have a 5min ride, before sunset? Then you have to store this shit somewhere when you get home too. Why on earth don't they have them for hire down the beach? Or even Umbrellas for hire for that matter. 

 How do we rate these athletes then? How about the pulling power on the opposite sex? How do these board sport guys stack up to team sport guys?....Ok,  Surfers have a nice tan now (face like a brown paper bag in the future), Footy boys have to hang in larger packs, less desirable for the average lady, as more competition for their time but not all women, we know some like to date a "pack". Surfers are usually stoned, Footballers hit the party drugs. Not such a party when those fuckers come down from it. Surfers need to take off for waves at short notice. Footy guys do their thing same time each week, but that's every single week, all season! Footy guys have more potential to make money from their sport, but, chances are they are sharing it around on more than one girlfriend too. Hmmn.. No clear winner. One thing is for sure they are pulling more than the gamers, no one likes a pimple covered, pale jelly belly living in a pile of KFC boxes......except their mums. 

 I suppose the clear winner is whomever does his own washing :)

"AFL bad boy Brendan Fevola has been caught again making obscene gestures with a giant sex toy on an alleged team pub crawl."

LINK


So let me get this right, when Eric Bana does it in "Chopper" he deserves praise and Oscar talk. But when big Fev does it.... He's "disgraceful". Come on Australia lets take our prude hats off. We've all seen a dildo before. Its just a piece of rubber/latex. Its not like it was a machete or a fucking machine gun. It was on a pub crawl and late at night. What is the problem. Unless he slipped it into someone's missus this is a non story. Are we that fucking bored that we have to hear about this? Next we'll be hearing about how Chris Judd pressured his missus into giving him a blowie. Who cares? Unless he is using that motherfucker on the field I don't give a shit. I am all for footy boys behaving better. Less fights and less shitting in hallways. But waving a big piece of rubber? That's nothing. For the media to crap on about it, is retarded. I think that the journo who wrote about this is fucking bored and sex deprived...perhaps if Fev had of visited them with his sex aid, they would have something better to do than write this garbage.

"FOOTBALL superstar Lote Tuqiri was sacked by the Australian Rugby Union for breaking strict team rules by having a woman in his Wallabies hotel room."

LINK


Seriously what is the world coming too? Your a successful athlete, you get big dollars, and you have hot women throwing themselves at you, Lote tried to root one and got sacked? Whats with that? My thoughts are this could start a serious decline in the talent of rugby players....I mean I'm sure that the only reason half these guys play is so they can bang some nymphomaniacs with the hots for "footy boys"

ARU you have screwed up on this one. Lote.  I feel for you mate.