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"Michael Schumacher will make a shock return to Formula 1 to replace injured Ferrari driver Felipe Massa.
The seven-time world champion retired at the end of 2006 but will drive at the European Grand Prix on 23 August.
Ferrari said the 40-year-old will stand in for as long as Massa is sidelined by the serious head injuries he sustained in the Hungarian Grand Prix last week. "
LINK


Now this is good stuff. The man, the legend Michael Schumacher is coming back. Shuey will fill in for Massa until he returns from injury. I don't know about you but I'm going down to the nearest TAB and putting a hunge on shuey to win!

"SUPERCAR supremos Craig Lowndes and Jamie Whincup are confident of continuing their V8 domination when they buckle into Holdens next season.
In a three-year deal, the TeamVodafone Ford outfit the pair race for will become a Holden team from 2010."
LINK

So that little turn coat Craig Lowndes is crawling his way back to Holden. Some years back he left for the "greener pastures" at Ford and spent a few years giving mediocre results. Now Ford dumps the sponsorship of his team, forcing 888 boss to switch to Holden. I for one couldn't care less. The V8's are not what they used to be. The good old days of Dick Johnson, and Peter Brock, Jim Richards and  Mark Skaife battling it out on the mountain are gone. Back then everyone watched Bathurst, it was a family event-"Uncle Pete" would smashed and decide he wanted to race his car and tells everyone how he is going to"do it up" (forgetting the fact that he drives a Datsun 120) and at the end everyone still felt like the day was worth while. Now? Honestly who gives a shit? The best drivers go over-seas. The cars are virtually unrecognizable from their on road cousins. And loyalty for your Brand is non existent. Dick Johnson WOULD NEVER have switched to a Holden. So while this is "breaking news", don't be fooled into thinking V8 Supercars are relevant. Its just a slow sports day.

"BEATEN superstar Michael Phelps may boycott international swimming until FINA ends the swimsuit farce that has dominated the world championships.
Phelps's coach Bob Bowman told reporters at the Foro Italico that he would recommend Phelps not race internationally until FINA carried out all the demands from the swimming community to end the suit saga once and for all."
LINK

Ok for starters any world records broken in these "floating suits" should be stricken from the record. We have no-name swimmers that couldn't beat my dog in a swimming race, breaking world records held be swimming legends. Its a disgrace. Next they will have suits with propellers coming out of their anus. It goes to show how commercial sports has become. I mean the manufacturers of these cheat suits manufactured enough for hundreds and hundreds of swimmers  in 3 weeks. But FINA have given them 6 months to replace them? WHAT THE FUCK!!! 6 months? What FINA has done is give them time to find a loophole in the re-worded rule that pertains to swimsuits.

Here's an idea. Make everyone swim naked. Actually first, discontinue men's swimming, no-one wants to see lunchmeat dangling in those underwater shots. After that, make women's international swimming a naked event. I guarantee that ratings would soar, and any records broken would be legit.

By The Urban Athlete.


Are you a spectator or spectacle?  Spectators come in different varieties. You have your normal "Sportsfan" with the key ring, who wears the odd team colour shirt to the game.

 You then get the "Sportscan". They literally have a pile of shit at their house dedicated to to their game or player. They have a ball with scribble on it, a few hats, shirts, a poster and miscellanoues cheap bits of plastic & paper, consisting of tickets, cards and free crap they got at the game, that they just can't bring themselves to part with, under the excuse that it will be worth something, one day. Although they have no intention of ever selling it. They just want a pile of sports shit. This variety is usually in denial about the monetary value of their pile of shit. These collector cards and items will be brought out by the "Sportscan", while drinking with friends. This is the only time the friends of the "Sportscan" will be drunk enough to appreciate their pile of team shit! The "Sportscan" is also closely related to the "Metal head " &  "Car enthusiast".  

Then you get the "Sportswrencher" these are the ones with a half eaten watermelon on their heads or shower cap or painted head, yelling at passing motorists inaudible crap. This group also contains the unpaid mascots & cheerleaders. These are the ones that wear something just revolting, like a Borat thong, but can get away with it (they think) because, someone wrote "Dockers"on their butt cheeks in eyeliner last night while they on the grog. These ones don't actually give a darn about the game, they just were born ugly and never get attention or are off their heads on gear or both!  

I mean be reasonable, you're batting for Australia, concentrating in the dizzying heat, steam rising from the ground, you look across at a hazy sea of green & gold cheering you on, you're about to swing, then some fucker in a ram's horn hat & a cape, yelling "Hear ye hear ye" spilling his beer all over the place breaks your concentration. Shit! Wouldn't that make you proud to be playing for your country.You'd seriously consider batting him, it would certainly get you more prime time airplay!  

The "Sportwrencher" is by far the most annoying thing sitting in the crowd. They have the mentality of a 5 year old. They won't sit down or shut up! I wonder how many of the fights and riots are caused by a drunk "Sportswrencher?". They pay for one ticket, but usually have so many signs, giant hats and other crap, that they take up the space of three people. They also think they are now in Superman attire and like to pinch the bottom of the unsuspecting female sportsfan. Hopefully this would be met with an unsuspected kick in the nuts. Being a dick head is not hot! The chick is more likely to fall for your best friend who just apologized for your drunken ass, that you with all your hairy & skinny shit hanging out, looking like a circus freak. "Hey Dad, meet my new boyfriend"... " I met him at the footy dressed in a Mexican hat, with a blow up doll gaffa taped to his back and a green face"...." Great sweetheart, bring him around to our next family gathering, Nanna is really going to dig it!"  

I would seriously like to hear from someone who has "picked up" while dressed as a "Sportswrencher". With no bullshit embellishments, just the facts......oh don't worry, I know you won't have the mental capacity, nor the sobriety to get through the article, after not seeing "tits" or "dick" in the title, let alone to reply!  

The "Sportswrencher" is also a timid beast. You don't see them alone for long. They always run back to their larger, better, looking mates that have their back. You also don't see a "Sportwrencher " at the following ees of sports: Muay Thai fights and sportshooting. The reason for this, is that they are spineless and don't want to risk the competitor turning around and putting a pellet or a foot through their face paint covered head.  

So what does the "Sportwrencher" do in the off season? They are the friend that always chucks in your car or is still on your couch at 1pm the afternoon, following a night of drinks. They usually don't have a job, or lots of casual jobs. The silly costumes take a lot of planning and trips to red dot, so they cannot work. This friend may be found randomly naked with little or no explanation. Also, a lot of beer money is required to buy this crap, so don't expect them to "chip in" on your next carton. They will buy one carton to share, once per year, but you will hear about it all year, until the next lavish gesture.
 
Also having no real job, they will be forced to move house/ couch frequently & thus have to repurchase their make up & costumes. Still no beer money. The "Sportswrencher" also hibernates after New Years. They then emerge again drunker and more decorated than ever, at Australia day, with Red dot's latest Flag paraphernalia.   Considering the off season habbits of these creatures, I'd rather see them in all their painted glory, than civilian clothed. Can you imagine if you found out your new partner is a closet " Sportswrencher!". At least we can see them coming & know what we are dealing with.

Massa crashes in Qulifying.
"Felipe Massa was airlifted to a local hospital following a crash in qualifying for the Hungarian Grand Prix that knocked the Brazilian unconscious.
Massa ran over a piece of debris on track towards the close of the middle 15-minute session that had been deposited earlier by Rubens  Barrichello's Brawn GP.

The debris appeared to lodge beneath the Ferrari, seemingly locking into place not only the steering column, but also the throttle."

LINK


Well the Grand Pricks that are supposed to keep the track clear of ruble FAILED massively. A piece of debris locking Massa's wheel and Accelerator causing him to crash? That is pretty much worst case scenario for any driver! They better be investigating foul play by some jilted skank ex of Massa's. This is just too perfect of an accident to be an accident, if you catch my drift. As far as the race went, well it was an anticlimax. Webber didn't win (3rd), Massa didn't croak and that dam Yank won. So after Massa's crash in qualifying, it was a boring arse race! So to add some more interest to the next one, I say they should shoot the guy who comes in last, that ought to spice things up!

-Max.

Softball World Cup
 "Australia stormed to their first world championship title in Canada, ending New Zealand's three-year-reign with a 5-0 victory in the finale in Saskatoon."
LINK


Well you would never know it by looking at the main Aussie news websites, but Australia has just become Softball World Champions.
Now I am not the biggest softball fan, I think it is the gay younger brother of Baseball. Nevertheless, WE ARE WORLD CHAMPS! Add that to the fact that we kicked New Zealands arse in the final, this should be bigger news. For me there is nothing more satisfying than beating the sheep rooters at anything. We should all be given a day off to get on the piss! If these gumboot wearing clowns ever beat us (pretty sure its never happened.) its likely we let them win  just because we felt sorry for them. But  a friendly reminder to all Aussies going up against the fellers across the pond... Beat them down at every opportunity, because if they win they will think that gives them a right to date your livestock...after that they might try it with your sister. And  we all know that having a Kiwi in the family is worse than "following through" on a fart.

-Max