by The Urban Athlete.


Are you a spectator or spectacle?  Spectators come in different varieties. You have your normal "Sportsfan" with the key ring, who wears the odd team colour shirt to the game.

 You then get the "Sportscan". They literally have a pile of shit at their house dedicated to to their game or player. They have a ball with scribble on it, a few hats, shirts, a poster and miscellaneous cheap bits of plastic & paper, consisting of tickets, cards and free crap they got at the game, that they just can't bring themselves to part with, under the excuse that it will be worth something, one day. Although they have no intention of ever selling it. They just want a pile of sports shit. This variety is usually in denial about the monetary value of their pile of shit. These collector cards and items will be brought out by the "Sportscan", while drinking with friends. This is the only time the friends of the "Sportscan" will be drunk enough to appreciate their pile of team shit! The "Sportscan" is also closely related to the "Metal head " &  "Car enthusiast".  

Then you get the "Sportswrencher" these are the ones with a half eaten watermelon on their heads or shower cap or painted head, yelling at passing motorists inaudible crap. This group also contains the unpaid mascots & cheerleaders. These are the ones that wear something just revolting, like a Borat thong, but can get away with it (they think) because, someone wrote "Dockers"on their butt cheeks in eyeliner last night while they on the grog. These ones don't actually give a darn about the game, they just were born ugly and never get attention or are off their heads on gear or both!  

I mean be reasonable, you're batting for Australia, concentrating in the dizzying heat, steam rising from the ground, you look across at a hazy sea of green & gold cheering you on, you're about to swing, then some fucker in a ram's horn hat & a cape, yelling "Hear ye hear ye" spilling his beer all over the place breaks your concentration. Shit! Wouldn't that make you proud to be playing for your country.You'd seriously consider batting him, it would certainly get you more prime time airplay!  

The "Sportwrencher" is by far the most annoying thing sitting in the crowd. They have the mentality of a 5 year old. They won't sit down or shut up! I wonder how many of the fights and riots are caused by a drunk "Sportswrencher?". They pay for one ticket, but usually have so many signs, giant hats and other crap, that they take up the space of three people. They also think they are now in Superman attire and like to pinch the bottom of the unsuspecting female sportsfan. Hopefully this would be met with an unsuspected kick in the nuts. Being a dick head is not hot! The chick is more likely to fall for your best friend who just apologized for your drunken ass, that you with all your hairy & skinny shit hanging out, looking like a circus freak. "Hey Dad, meet my new boyfriend"... " I met him at the footy dressed in a Mexican hat, with a blow up doll gaffa taped to his back and a green face"...." Great sweetheart, bring him around to our next family gathering, Nanna is really going to dig it!"  

I would seriously like to hear from someone who has "picked up" while dressed as a "Sportswrencher". With no bullshit embellishments, just the facts......oh don't worry, I know you won't have the mental capacity, nor the sobriety to get through the article, after not seeing "tits" or "dick" in the title, let alone to reply!  

The "Sportswrencher" is also a timid beast. You don't see them alone for long. They always run back to their larger, better, looking mates that have their back. You also don't see a "Sportwrencher " at the following examples of sports: Muay Thai fights and sportshooting. The reason for this, is that they are spineless and don't want to risk the competitor turning around and putting a pellet or a foot through their face paint covered head.  

So what does the "Sportwrencher" do in the off season? They are the friend that always chucks in your car or is still on your couch at 1pm the afternoon, following a night of drinks. They usually don't have a job, or lots of casual jobs. The silly costumes take a lot of planning and trips to red dot, so they cannot work. This friend may be found randomly naked with little or no explanation. Also, a lot of beer money is required to buy this crap, so don't expect them to "chip in" on your next carton. They will buy one carton to share, once per year, but you will hear about it all year, until the next lavish gesture.
 
Also having no real job, they will be forced to move house/ couch frequently & thus have to repurchase their make up & costumes. Still no beer money. The "Sportswrencher" also hibernates after New Years. They then emerge again drunker and more decorated than ever, at Australia day, with Red dot's latest Flag paraphernalia.   Considering the off season habits of these creatures, I'd rather see them in all their painted glory, than civilian clothed. Can you imagine if you found out your new partner is a closet " Sportswrencher!". At least we can see them coming & know what we are dealing wit

by The Urban Athlete

Where ever there are people there is annoyance & aggression. Where ever there are NO people, there is probably 'Spalding'. Then there is more annoyance as there is no wall to kick him into when he mouths off. To be a human is to be aggressive, and cover up whenever possible, the evidence of us slipping back into the jungle.
 
Annoyance. Bad drivers. Public transport (don't get me started). Shopping centres, especially dopey consumers pushing trolleys. How does one put up with this annoyance without it, coming to blows daily? There is yelling: "Pick a lane, you d*&^%$#@! which is what I say, to shoppers who stop mid isle  (blocking both sides) to scratch their bottom like an ape. Then there is "It's not my fault you are a dumb %^&* and can't get a real job" to the surly shop assistant giving you attitude when you're just trying to do your hunter/gathering.
Normally this aggression release is met by shocked gasps from other shoppers (like it's ME being annoying) or worse, physical threats from other large luggs doing their hunter gathering. Then rent-a-cop shows up and the whole thing just escalates. It's also on camera....you're screwed!
 
Luckily in modern society, we can go home and jog around the block. Sometimes aimlessly, until you are so physically destroyed, you collapse on the floor & you just don't give a shit. Then there is yelling at the TV. Oh god I love this! "What the $%^& is that? You *&^%!!!"... Blame the ref..... Ah, I'm feeling calmer & more relaxed all ready!
 
Another fantastic contribution sport makes to society's emotional wellbeing, is the great: ICE BREAKER.
I'm sure you know this one. You are at the beach, with your mates. You see a female you want to hunt. She is completely oblivious to your existence. You get your biggest mate (but not hotter than you) and position him on the opposite side to you of this female and then kick the footy back and forward. You then do a deliberate banana kick, so you can dive on the sand next to this female. You then have a myriad of options:
1)You can start bellowing or swearing as though you are hurt & make her feel sorry for you.
2) Apologise and offer to make it up to her by buying her something. *Cha Ching!*
3) Or cop a grope and then run off and do it to some other female, under the cover of  SPORT!
 
Another undeniable advantage of sport in society is the: DANGER DETECTOR. This is when you get stuck at a party or work function and you don't know anyone. This usually occurs when the wife/girlfriend runs off with the girls to the toilet and leaves you with some suspect looking Douche, just because you are both blokes.
You can then say "So what about the Ashes, mate?". If he looks down his nose and says "well actually I don't follow any sport" and starts nattering on about LAN’s. YOU GET THE ^&*@ OUT OF THERE!!!! This crap might be contagious!
 
By far, the most useful application of sport though, is for choosing a SUITABLE MATE. In a crowd of potential victims...umm ladies. You can hurl a ball at them. If she runs for cover, shields her head and screeches. You know she is "Not all there!" Some weird sort of non-competitive feral, that accidentally found this party while looking for that previously mentioned LAN.
If the woman steps slightly sidewards, lets it fly past & coldly glares at you. You know that one doesn't bone and to stop wasting your time.
If she catches it, yells something vaguely abusive, then hurls it back at you, with some decent force. YOU HAVE A KEEPER!!!!!!
 
Go on, get out there!

by The Urban Athlete

I' m sure you've heard about all the controversy in cycling. No, I'm not talking about the performance enhancing drugs. I'm talking about those ugly, fat enchancing leotards, causing distress to passing motorists. I'm all for the bicycle commute into the city. From an environmental standpoint, it's fantastic! But I really don't want to see what a 50 year old grey haired bloke didn't have for breakfast. What are these revolting garments for? All covered in scribble, not normally even in English, so the advertising is lost on me. I am told that the story is, that they prevent wind resistance. What?  I'm sure they came up with this story after attributing their being caught by the police as youngsters, (from the wind resistance of their flapping flanno). "Yeah I almost got away, but my flanno kept flapping and got stuck on my handle bars, it wasn't because in reality, I'm NOT actually driving a CAR "  

Getting back to the environment, (these boderline, homo-erotic heros only saving grace.) I seem to remember a huge amount of money being spent in approximately the 90's on cycle paths going in for the city commute. I have no problem sharing the road with freaks as long as they can do the speed limit! But that's just the problem, they have an unrealistic veiw of how fast they are actually travelling. So you have to climb a hill doing 10km/h, with a puffing & panting ageing Power ranger on your left hand side, whilst on his left side, there is a nice cycle path, with NO ONE on it. I really feel like pulling over and breaking the news to him that he's not a REAL car, but it would seem, I'd be breaking a taboo like telling a 3 year old Santa doesn't really exist. God forbid this clown might break down & try to give me an old man sweat hug.  

 I've observed these cyclists a few times, trying to work out if it is arrogance from the older generation, stupidity or just "Old man fantasy land"? We all know " Old man fantasy land", you see it all the time. The 40 year old bloke that walks up to the 20 year old blonde lady, who is too polite to say what she is really thinking. The Old man having the fantasy, walks back to his goony pack of office buddies, sheilding his wrinkly, old "two thumbs up", mouthing to his pack "I'm in!"  Only to glance back & see that she has disappeared.  

In the old man Cycling fantasy, they are travelling really fast! They do this in pairs, so they can beef up eachother's ego at the destination to avoid all self doubt. The one at the back, yells crap to the other one so he can pretend that he is behind, because he is taking it easy and that it was a choice, not cholesterol. The one at the front always looks a bit freaked out, whether he's trying to make a getaway from the $%^& yelling crap or that being two metres ahead is ripping him a new one? It's always the same though, take a look.

I wonder how many of these are actually CEOs or GMs from top city firms. I also wonder what their bottom of the pecking order, employees would give to see their bosses in this less than powerful state. Lucrative? I also feel this explains the grumpy and bitter attitude of most women over 50. No wonder they are so highly strung, who'd want to hit the sheets with these grey, yelling sweatballs. I totally understand the city 4 wheel driving too. You're so high up, you can pretend you didn't see your husband and the two employees he's ear bashing at the front of the pack, rolling their eyes..........If you don't wave back at him, no one will know he's yours. Better still you can accidently run over his bike in the garage & nip the humiliation in the bud!  

 I suppose like most sports, even if you are looking like a Douche, if you at least have on the right gear, people know what you are TRYING to do. A few weeks ago I saw a guy jogging in a shearer's singlet. I, phone in hand, ready to dial "triple O",  quickly looked behind him to see if he had just set a Commodore alight and was escaping the scene of the crime. Nope, no Commodore, just a lady leisurely walking a furball, holding her nose. So much for getting a little fresh air :)  

 I'm feeling a bit inspired. I'm going to go get a sequinned bikini and go swing around the fireman's pole at the local park. Sure, I'm going to look like a dick, but at least people will know what I'm TRYING to do. Honk if you spot me!